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Little lies

Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you’re strong, confident and can do anything to which you put your mind; the act of saying it is supposed to help make it so (then there’s that whole balcony-esque ‘play at something long enough and you’ll become it’). I think I am saying conversational equivalents of this too often and am disappearing up my own backside. For a long I’ve gone to the opposite extreme; I could only spur myself into action by telling myself (and the world) that everything was so utterly god awful and depressing that any action couldn’t make it worse. That was never true; but it was occasionally a useful piece of self delusion.

I’ve become fed up of being so negative. While I realise nihilism seems to come naturally, if I’m lying to myself anyway I may as well attempt an attitudinal change in there too. Alas, I still need to go to an extreme to motivate action. In order to do any work or anything I’m splurging out any compliments or encouragements I’ve received like all those around me are just in awe of the fact I bloody well deign to grace my oh so wonderful intelligence on them. Now, I am aware of what utter bollocks this is; I’ve got such a achievement crippling intellectual inferiority complex that no amount of external affirmation can erase (it’s not necessarily that I think I’m less intelligent than folk around me; more that I’m not as intelligent as I should be). I wonder if anyone, when talking themselves up, genuinely believes it or just uses it as a useful little lie. Not that it makes an outward difference; you still look like a conceited idiot. I’m not sure that knowing you look like this makes it any less true …

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