I am sure that the following isn’t a massively unusual sentiment; I want to know what I think. Literature, cinema, and personal experience have hammered home the message that other people do not necessarily know what they’re talking about and that questioning authority or expertise isn’t a ridiculous thing to do (does anyone actually want to be duped into ridiculous positions?). My underlying position seems to be that everything everyone ever says to me is wrong and I want to know why. If this is the case, then I don’t see why my opinion should be free from such rigorous questioning (from myself, or others) because I have toss all reason to believe that my position is worth any more than anyone else’s (painfully aware that, while not being stupid, I’m hardly a genius). Basically, I am looking for things I can say ‘yes’ to without that nagging feeling of error (and I say oh so many things I disagree with). I don’t think these things exist. But that feeling when you get close to something you might be willing to say yes to is probably the best one I’ve ever experienced. Possibly should stop trying to attach any permanency to that ephemerality and should tone down the blind rage I feel when someone presents their own ‘yes’ feeling to me as a fait accompli. It’s exhausting …
Sound like utterly deluded self-indulgent ill-thought through nonsense? It probably is and I think I’ve always had some awareness of that. This may sound ridiculous from my behaviour, but I really wish I didn’t have to inflict this kind of selfishness on others (alas, their input is necessary). Recent conversations have made me painfully aware that I seem to articulate my questions and challenges considerably more than I thought I did; other people’s views of you are so incredibly, fascinatingly, strange. I would really be quite content if I could go have a wee flaky in a darkened room somewhere, without seeming like I am demanding help or answers or expecting responsibility from others.
That becomes increasingly difficult in an open plan office, or in any kind of situation where anyone is relying on you for anything. I seem to be in these situations more often now.
Well, the office part, I got fed up of railing against an ill-defined ‘system’ (because that’s what the status quo is and that’s what a contrary person does) without some understanding of what my rage was against. So I didn’t think finding out was a bad thing. It is more interesting than I imagined and feels no more like blind submission than the previous railing felt. But, it makes interaction with other people more necessary. I don’t feel like I can have my full scale questing frenzies in quite the same way; feeling immense guilt for some of the more recent existential crises. Some questioning seems good, or useful even, but is much more focused on reaching agreement, an objective truth, benefit for all, god knows what to call it. Trying to work out if, after years of trying to work out what I think, I want to aim for this instead. Or maybe I’m trying to see if I can first.
This could all just be the result of my exhaustion and doesn’t express what I think at all. Although I don’t remember the last time I didn’t feel the need to qualify my thoughts with tiredness.