we don’t say things like that

This ‘we’ with its sanctioned sanitised signifiers irks me. [side note: I do not understand why uncontrollable rage at a statement or situation is such a terrible thing. Yes you can tell me to calm down or get things in to perspective, but what kind of perspective is it when you stop caring? I want to know what I think. I get there by feeling angry or happy or sad or any other basic emotion and asking why. I find getting to the why one of the most enjoyable parts of living. So you can tell me, according to your grand scheme of things, this is an over reaction or ‘unhealthy’ but that just doesn’t really work for me.]

What was I wanting to write about? Possibly the meaning of words. It’s not straightforward and one word is not interchangeable with another (in the case of the opening sentence, it might be as simple as sibilance). They all come loaded with hundreds of years of meaning and association ‘baggage’ (note: all). For goodness sake it’s one of the reasons poetry works. Very rarely do you feel like they completely align with these lofty sentiments you have in your head (or maybe it’s just good enough with them). Words betray us. But we betray them too (yes, I’ve disappeared back to Godard references – what a shocker). We (I definitely) use too many of them too frequently and unthinkingly and when we do achieve those wonderful moments of perfect form and structure it sounds just the same as all the other crap we talk; the words and ideas we throw away sound no different to the ones we live by. This bother me. I’ll actually curtail my quotation rant, because I’ll end up sounding like Molly Bloom. 

I might eventually return to my original rant. I’m not convinced ‘we’ write the dictionary and have control over meanings. I’m definitely not sure that because ‘we’ say it is the case. I don’t believe the feelings are eradicated with the word. Maybe you can talk yourself happy by avoiding destructive words, but are happiness and destructive not the first words you think about in this case?

I really struggle being part of a we. 

I spend a lot of time strangling myself with the lose knots of ideas. The process is too long and drawn out and I look at each bit of rope from every angle for hours because I’m not smart enough to make sense of it straight away. When someone does a pat on the head style ‘there, there, this is how the world really is’ on something that I know I’ve been mulling on for years I want to scream. Please stop assuming that because I don’t agree with you I don’t understand and you or the basics of human conversation. Thus far, in my experience, the people who really have a strong grasp on what they mean recognise and appreciate someone grappling with the detail and are willing to lend a hand to their branch (they’ll have thought of it that way before and recognise how they countered it internally). People parroting cliched emotionless babble do not fill me with that confidence. I realise engaging with the reason for disagreement is difficult (I’ve recently been wanting to bash my head off a wall because I feel like I’ve been trying to explain ‘x and y, therefore z’ for weeks only to have ‘omg, so ‘x and y, therefore z’ finally appreciated back to me. I am baffled at why it took so long; but I’ve never been very secure in my own branch).

Maybe I don’t need to respect what I’m told; I’m probably supposed to respect the authority.