I sit sipping some camomile tea and enjoying the feeling of a little warming relief. There is something a little liberating about being ill; life becomes focused on the physical and the ‘is this really what I’m doing with my life’ gremlins are too tired to shout. Warm tea becomes a luxury, rather than a desperate grab for something to do.
I look back at the past couple of weeks and want to bury my head under the covers. Memory, patterns, and life lessons seem to leave no imprint; I throw myself into the worst of everything as if life depended on it and then become disappointed at the anti-climax of it all being meaningless – constantly. It all seems so significant at the time. Ask me to do a simple task and I will complicate it and narcissistically twist it to become part of my eternal struggle with meaning. And the fact that other people do not understand this drives me crazy at the time. I become so incredibly sensitive to words of others … I’m not looking for you to be encouraging or supportive I’m looking for some kind of recognition or engagement with these oh so lofty life problems. Yes – you can tell me exactly what it is that I’m supposed to do or want, but I seem to be physically incapable of doing that without churning it through hours of reflection and – if being very honest – panic. I will – frequently at random – pick one thing to obsess over while happily running away from a hundred other things.
Then it just goes away. Life or death situations are neither. Idiocy and naievity become apparent. I have a tendency to throw punishments my own way, in the hope that it’ll stop me disappearing so far up my own arse at some point in the future. It doesn’t. I think it just irritates other people. [not being totally consumed by regret is completely understandable, but I cannot get my head around how other people deal with mistakes. People make them all the time, but justifying why they happened and sharing the blame as widely as possible seems preferable to apologising for them. Do people really feel that un-involved in the decisions they make?]
I think I planned to say something completely different when I started typing. Oh well. The tea’s gone cold.